The Ministry of Pete and Bev Caruso

How to Create a Godly Legacy

January 22nd, 2009 Posted in Articles for Men

By Peter Caruso

A marriage lasting 50 years is pretty rare these days. Being married for five decades to one’s best friend is rarer still. Can your marriage last that long? Can it be that strong?

Can 21^st century marriages survive the assaults of long commutes, both husband and wife holding down a job or maybe two, schedules crammed with soccer practice and swimming lessons, the temptation of pornography in the home office, and memories of hurts and betrayal? Can you look forward to watching your children and grandchildren grow up to become godly men and women filled with love for the Lord who walk with godly character and make an eternal difference in the lives of those they touch?

My answer to all these questions is yes. This year my wife and I celebrate 50 years together. We can’t take the credit for what God has done in our family. But thanks to Him we have three grown children, eight grandchildren and now six great grandchildren each with a heart intent on serving God.

I want to share with you some how-tos for making your marriage the best it can possibly be and for laying a groundwork in your children’s lives that will carry over into their marriages and beyond to future generations.

How to Leave a Legacy Worthy of Honor

1. Understand God’s view of your marriage vows. It’s necessary to communicate in words and actions before your wife and children that “there will be no divorce in this family.” This provides a great sense of security to your wife and children. The marriage covenant is a lovely picture, lived out by two mortals, of the covenant that God made with man.

So when we marry, we are making a legal, binding agreement before God and man to forsake all others and commit our lives to walk together as one. We are choosing to turn away from any involvement with another and to keep ourselves for one another only. This is not only at the physical level but also includes any entanglement of emotions with another person.

By choosing to do this, you go against the norms of today’s society. Yet in doing so, you lay a foundation for a lifelong marriage—with no back door. It’s a marriage for keeps.

2. Set goals for your family. A number of years ago we were part of a group of couples who met together weekly. We spent several sessions talking about what we wanted for our families. We examined the Scriptures, we brainstormed, we debated, and we assembled the following set of goals for a Christian family.

• To develop complete unity between husband and wife in thought, attitude and purpose.
• To develop in the household an atmosphere of God’s presence that would influence all who enter.
• To develop within the children a reverence for God, His Word, His church and His service that would enable us to live for Him when independent of the home’s direct influence.
• To develop relationships by which each member of the family could have all physical, emotional and mental needs met.
• To fully develop each family member’s potential in life by mutually honoring and nurturing one another’s unique role and ministry.
• To develop freedom from all types of bondage to earthly values, including being in debt.

You might set similar but different goals for your family. Knowing what you’re aiming for is a huge part of success.

3. Be the kind of leader your wife and children can follow. Being the head of the home means being an administrator. Not a spectator, not a dictator, but one who oversees the whole. Headship is a function, not a status that makes us superior. A leader needs to set a good example, in both his character and actions.

4. Represent Christ to your family. In Ephesians 5, Paul teaches the role of the man in marriage by comparing him with Christ and His love for His church. The highest praise I have received was from my wife when she described my love for her as “the kind of unconditional love, acceptance and care that Jesus has for the church.” I know she sees me through love-tinted glasses—I’m not really perfect. But her assessment is a mighty good description of what Paul is referring to in Ephesians 5. If you’re a husband, I encourage you to read that chapter daily until it becomes a part of you.

5. Seek a godly mentor and make yourself accountable to him. It’s so easy for us, as men, to think we can handle life on our own without the input of another. If we’ve never experienced this kind of open and growing relationship, we can be resistant to mentoring. There’s a natural reluctance to putting yourself in the position of learner, especially for a man. If we have personal problems we tend to withdraw into ourselves, preferring to solve our own problem or to suffer alone. Or we’ll set our mind on something else, like climbing a mountain slope or repairing an engine; or perhaps just sleep, hoping the problem will fix itself. It isn’t natural or comfortable for us to seek help in becoming better persons, brothers, fathers or husbands. Yet each one of us needs someone to help us to see our blinds spots, to walk with us through the struggles of overcoming weaknesses, and to believe in us and care for us enough to hold us accountable and to cheer us onward. We never outgrow our need for accountability.

6. First, establish authority; there’s plenty of time to become your child’s friend. Every parent wants to be loved—and liked—by their children. But if your desire to be liked by your child is stronger than your desire for him or her to become a responsible, caring adult, then in the end you’ll lose the child’s respect and probably their friendship as well. We’re admonished in Proverbs 19:18 to “Chasten your son while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his destruction.”

7. Consciously and intentionally teach your family God’s ways and principles. Perhaps this is one of the hardest things to follow through with. Our careers, hobbies and busyness get in the way of our being proactive in training our family. Yet it doesn’t have to take hours a day. God told Moses in Deuteronomy 11:19: “Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Perhaps the best time for most families is the dinner hour. Even if your family can share a meal together only a few times a week, you can guide the conversations to include things you want them to learn.

8. Have fun with your family. No matter how you provide for your family or how spiritual you are, your family needs a husband and father they can enjoy being with. When they need comfort or counsel, or are frightened or filled with self-doubt, there must be a foundation of love, trust and familiarity that lays the groundwork for them to come to you with their need.

9. Respect their differences. No matter how many children you have, each differs from the others. Yes, there should be household rules. But the sensitive child should be handled differently from the self-confident, extroverted overachiever. Study your children. Learn their temperaments. Identify their love language. Encourage their natural abilities. And honor each one for the person he or she is now and will become.

10. Become a good communicator. Include “listening.” Few men are natural communicators. Oh sure, we can make a presentation or write a proposal. And we can give orders or respond to a question. But sharing our true selves with our wives and children takes humility and transparency. Learning how to convey what you mean in a loving and respectful way, while making the other person feel loved and their opinion valued, takes effort. You can do it. The first step is recognizing your own need to communicate. The second is noticing how you communicate. What are you communicating with your tone of voice and body language? And perhaps most important is paying attention to what the other person needs from the communication.

11. Teach them to stand alone. The pressures on children and youth today are more plentiful and much stronger than on previous generations of young people. It would be unusual today for anyone to reach adulthood without having been offered drugs, exposed to pornography, or invited to participate in other illegal or immoral behavior. You can teach your children that both God and their parents have expectations of them and that they must learn to make choices. The younger a child is when he or she learns to stand alone against small issues, the easier they will find it to stand alone when faced with big temptations.

12. Look for ways to affirm your wife and children. Could there be a better way to love your family than to affirm your wife and our children? In doing so you can find fulfillment and meaning in your own life. Always be looking for ways to affirm them, to point out their positive efforts, to acknowledge the ways you see them growing in godly character and Christ-likeness. You don’t need to wait until their birthday or graduation day. You can use everyday happenings to let them know that you see their efforts and are proud of them.

The was the lead article on New Man Magazine’s Ezine on December 31, 2008